The Journey of a Christian
This page is highlighting other christian's journey from before they were saved until now. These stories are to let you know you are not alone. If you have a story feel free to email them to us we will not post your name unless okayed by you. Remember everyone has a journey and it is not what you use to do, it is what you are doing in your future.
Here is a journey of a christian woman who has gone through and is now being used by God. Having gone through struggles, strongholds in her life. I ask you to sit down and enjoy the ride as she tells her story.
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Second part to the Journey
(08/24/2010)
The stuggle of lust and love. Yes even us Christian folk have these same issues of life. I remember people would there is a fine line between the two. After the years of life and events of past. I would say there is a great difference. Lust gives conditions. It also fights, yells, hits and shows no passion. Where love is soft will no limits, angers but never stays, kind but never looking for returns, strong but willing to meet in the middle. In my life I can say I have seen and done both.
This is why I can speak on both so well, lol!! This view of others also blurs your view of Christ at times we place God in the same grouping as man and woman. So many let downs of life and others, so many times you tried saving someone from hurt only to hurt them anyway. You see God in that light but God is not a man, nor will he ever leave you or forget you. God will never let you down even when you let him down. Looking back at things I've done trying to be moral or noble in decisions have not always been for the bestor the right thing to do in love. Is lust just sexual some might ask or wonder. The answer to the this question is no. Lust is a strong carving or desire as well which can be anything. Both are emotions of the flesh love and lust but lust is for self and love is caring. So what does this have to do with my journey you maybe asking yourself about now. It has all to do with the process I'm in. Being able to decern the difference with emotionally reacting at times when love is not shown from others you love can and will times make you back up or doubt if there is pure and true love. Being able to walk in kindness even when its not show to you shows others how much love you have for others. Growing up I never really got love from family that I desired so much. Now that I am older I understand and except my past but look to change my charcater towards others in how I deal with them.
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Part 1 of the Journey
Well where do I start when asked to write my journey their were so many things running through my mind as to what to say and what not to say. So I will start back as far as I can remember> When I was growing up my parents where not the perfect couple. They argued, didn't talk and yelled just like everyone else did. I could really understand why they argued all the time but figured it was normal. When I was about 7 years old I woke up to my mother screaming to top of her lungs. Death had visited my house in the middle of the night and took my baby sister. My little sister stayed in a crib at the foot of my bed in the living-room due to not having enough rooms in the house. Oh yes I was the only boy in the house so with all women it was tough. Back to that morning I felt guilty of not protecting my little sister even though I knew then and know now there was nothing I could do to protect her from death. But I still carried the guilty and the scream of a woman morning over a child in my head. I tell people all the time you have no idea how that feels and how it can effect your mind. So while battling this depression I was being treated very differently in my families eyes. growing up I had Christmas's and birthday's where I got nothing and the reason most of them told me was they ran out of money or they forgot. I was very depressed about this because at this age I couldn't understand how could you run out every year and still buy my sisters mother , father something. One year as I walked out of the living room of my grandmother home I sat on the stairs crying because they forgot about me again and my aunt came to me and asked what happen and i told her she walked back in there asked is a gift for him under the tree and they all said no. My aunt came back and gave me a 100 bucks, I still felt depressed about about it. My birthday was the same as well so I started to learn at a very young age isolation. When I got to about 12 years old I started to drink and smoke Newports, I cant even tell you why I started but i did. When I turned 13 I began bagging food at a supermarket and would take the money to buy my things and put food in the house for my sisters. Because around this time my mother moved out and for a while I didn't know where she lived all I knew is call her job and I would get her there. I don't really think I was upset with her during that time in my life. From what she told me she was being abused at home by my dad which him and I where not having a great relationship. I was getting beat for crazy things, I remember one time I took my bass guitar to church and when I got home he beat because i didn't ask him. I think i was about 15 when that happen. I do remember my grandmother talking to him about all the things going on in the house but truly after my grandfather past away most of the marriages in my family fell apart. I would say my grandfather was one of those men that you could go to and talk about anything and by the time you left him you would be laughing and joking about whatever it was that you were upset about from the beginning. Even the spouses that were married to his children would come to him about there child and he would still show love and talk with them the same. I cant say he ever went back and told the other what was said but when he past things fell apart quickly. I was very close to him I use to sneak out for him to buy sandwiches and cookies for him. Yes, he wasn't suppose to be eating those things but that was my grandpa he never judged me. I still remember how he use to tell me to come to him and look around to see if grandma was around and then say you want to go to the store? Of course I was getting something out of the deal, ha-ha. When he past i lost a person a truly loved more than myself. The beats I was getting continued for a while and but when I got about 16 they stopped. Around that time my uncle and i were having issues some say we acted so much alike with we took be around each other. The both of us in the same room would be a problem. So one day while at my grandmothers house uncle said something about his child that I did something to her or if I ever do he would kill me. This was not going to go over very well with me so I went after him. Most of my family grabbed me and told him to get out they knew I was going to hurt him. Even if older sister said to him you can't beat him and as angry he is he will hurt you so go away but he refused (the stubbornness) so as I kept going after him my dad was standing to the side and he refuse to get involve. For a while he stayed out knowing it would not be a good idea to step in. After a while my grandmother say to my dad do something so he stepped in and tried to get me under control. I will say this was a very bad idea after all the beats he gave me and for the abuse of my mother I went off on my and yes I even tried to kill him. This was a 300 lbs man going against a 200 lbs. boy but even he didn't want to go there. So some how someone there called my mother and got her to get to the house and she ran in the kitchen where I had him over the stove trying to set him on fire. She came to me and said son stop and put him down. after a few moments I did and walked out the house. You can say I had snapped for everything going on around me. I will say if you were like me you should go seek counsel it will help you.
Now through out all of this I was in the church, singing etc. I was one of the drummers for the church and had a passion to play, but I was told I had the talent to play but my cousin had the anointing. Imagine being told these things as a child. I could really mess up a young mind. I really did love to play and loved singing. I really love church but at 17 I left. Through this time in my life I really started drinking and smoking and partying hard in the army. I bought my first car at 17 and my first house at 19, I was determine to be better than my family. Now that sounds interesting most of us say the same thing. Trying so hard not to be like our parents but in the process we become more like them if not worse. I use to get angry when someone said I acted like my dad. At the age of 20 I got married to a woman that was not looking for the Lord and was a weed head and smoked from sun up to sun down. At first I thought I could deal with it but my up bring wouldn't allow that from happening. 8 months into the marriage she cheated and got pregnant by some guy. I would say my mind snapped and became very angry with women and refused to trust any of them. Think about this as a child you see abuse on a woman and as an adult a woman cheats and gets pregnant by someone. I did try to work things out an stay married but she felt very guilty of it and so we stayed in touch but never though about getting back together. Now she has 4 kids and living in a different state. I do remember to last thing she said to me when we where face to face and that was you will never amount to anything. I came home in a depression for about 6 months, I didn't tell anyone why I was home or what happen I had just came home. After a while my sisters got together and came to me and asked what was going on so I told them. I was so down on myself about all that happen to me, but I still felt I came do better. I still during this time in my life started to ask God why or what was going on. Relationship after relationship I fell more and more into the sadness of being able to find someone to love me the right way. I have had women say they were pregnant by me but come to find out they were no where near. I have had verbal abuse from some women as well but I never hit them back. Every time I heard the "L" word I knew they would let me down. I even told them before they said it if you say the "L" word I was leaving. I just became more angry with people in general. I really started drinking more and more and smoking about 6 CI's a day (yea still have some street). I must say during this time in my life a became ruthless and I would go to lunch to drink. I would even drive home drinking thank God I wasn't pulled over. One thing stands out now from that time period when I was drinking and smoking and cursing hanging out with the world I never really fit in. I never come fit regardless what I did I just didn't fit. There were times were God would allow me to go but so far before I would turn back or walk away. I hung out with everything hustler's, gang-bangers, rich folk, poor folk, raper, singers even the ones that had nothing to do all day. Believe it not I had some really hard-core street guys come and tell me this isn't the place for me after talking to me a few times. They were like your above this you should get out while you can. I say now this was God warning me or showing me he had better for me. Over a few years of working crazy hours I started to come back to church. After my grandmother passed I fully came back and started to work more in the church. I started playing the drums again which was my passion and began to build a relationship with my dad. Yes, my dad we did work on the relationship slowly not rushing or forcing. One day I asked him what was he thinking when I was growing up and he said son to be honest I don't know why I did what I did I was just so angry for some reason. The big lesson if ever faced with asking this type of question to a parent for the past is don't ask excepting to get a out of this world answer. The answer given may not be what you want to hear but the truth. Over the next year or two he came to me and asked for me to forgive him and his actions. I of course said yes I really desired a relationship with my dad that I was lacking. Even in my upper 20's he was still the man to me and a changed man.
As I began to get closer to God my relationship with my dad became closer and closer. We shared stories, struggles and weakness we had in each other. I started to release a lot of the anger I had in me. Their was a night I can remember so clear I called him at 1:30 am because the Lord was touching my heart and healing me. God showed me who I was to become and grieved for some saints that was stumbling in their walk with Christ. Things people didn't even tell me God showed me. I talked to my dad for hours about it. This was a great time in my life I know where I was going and what I was doing. I grew in Christ so much being under my dad's teaching, the bond was mended. I began preaching and ministering which I was nervous about but at the same time felt comfortable while ministering to others. My favorite scripture became Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Yes out of all scriptures this one became my favorite and stayed in my heart and still does. Every time I say this verse I want to cut loose with some word (I need a praise break, lol). 7 years after building a bond with my dad he died with no warning. I found him sitting in a chair he had been sitting there for many days and was so far gone we couldn't have an open casket. Myself and my aunt were the only two to see him. I will say this was a very dark time in my life. I was single, and my dad was my best friend and he was gone. We had spent so much time together everyday it was hard going to work because I use to pick him up every morning so that he could use my car to go minister at a few elderly homes. I will say i was very lost and no matter what anyone said to me I looked at them with gazing eyes not really listening to them. When I was standing in the yard after seeing my dad in the chair I heard God say I had to take him out of the way so that you can go where I need you to go. I moved him so that you can lean on me and not your dad. I can't say I agreed but I said okay. Even though I agreed I was still was depressed and really stayed to myself a lot. I did start going out on dates but it wasn't that serious for me. I felt like I was going through the movements at times. I would say I stopped caring to a degree about others feelings. I dated women and would tell them straight it is not going anywhere more than the bed. Yes, I was ruthless depressed, stressed, emotional unstable. In all this I still was looking for a saved woman of God. Someone to love me no matter what, not run, keep herself only to me, have a desire to follow Christ, keep me in line when I step out of line, etc. I just gave a list ha-ha but still the biggest thing was to make sure i let go of the past. Often times we get into a relationship thinking we are perfectly healthy and we are reacting to things as though you are still in that past relationship. So this was my advice for some of you that can't seem to be single because you desire or require a mate.So, as time went on I would come to church looking for my dad, I even got up a few times to go pick him up for work in the morning a few times. During this time I started to study for the broad and in Sept. I became ordained even the bishops didn't think I would be there being that my dad had just passed away 2 months before but this was one of the things my dad was happy to see me do let alone I wanted to do it. I felt in my spirit it was time to step forward. I meet a woman that knows her word, and lives holy. She is a little enough around the edges and so am I but getting on one accord when you have been single for a long time is hard for anyone. Some say I am mean or direct at times when speaking but my heart is always to help not hurt others in Christ. In all that has gone on in my life I know God has restored me fully.
Now in my new season of life, not knowing what will happen next but happy to know God is directing it is fine by me. I will tell you this much being called by God is never an easy road to walk. the scripture saysPsalm 23:4-6 Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.5.Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou hast anointed my head with oil; My cup runneth over. 6.Surely goodness and lovingkindness shall follow me all the days of my life; And I shall dwell in the house of Jehovah for ever.This scripture helps me when I get up in the morning thinking what will today bring. It is amazing to reach a soul and encourage someone to follow Christ. I get very happy when this happens, their was a young man that asked me why do I help, what do I get out of it I said I bless you privately and God will bless me publicly so I really don't worry about getting anything from anyone. I have been told so many times who I am and my anointing but only until I moved did I really start to believe in my anointing God has placed on me. Some ask me am I angry with women or family for what happened in my past but honestly I can say no. I have come to terms with all of it and use it to counsel others. I know how it feels to be beat down, cursed out, lied on, ashamed, humbled, openly rebuked (that's for another day), kicked, rich, poor. I say to the new members of the body of Christ is hold on to God. Even though it may seem crazy or out of control God still holds all the cards and he will never fall you. I am a better person for all I have gone through and so will you. I have walked through my valley of shadows and so will you. Nothing better then when God prepares the table in front of my enemies and you feed them. My walk is not over yet but I my faith in God is stronger today then yesterday so if you believe in him, as the scripture saysPhilippians 4:13 I can do all things in him that strengtheneth me.
Part 2 coming soon
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As I am writing this I am praying that it will help someone realize no matter what you go through in life, your life is still in God’s hand. I grew up being the only girl with three brothers. My grandmother raised me, I have always known my mother. I come from a family where it is nothing for a relative to raise another relatives child as it is in many other countries. As a child I grew up watching my grandmother running a juke joint, smoking, drinking, and partying with her friends and associates. My weekends off from school consisted of playing by myself or cousins when they came. It didn’t bother me because it’s all I knew. I grew up in a country environment where cousins and I were the only blacks in the school. Now mind you the era my grandmother came out of she thought racism was the same in the 70”s as it was in the 50’s.
For this reason she didn’t want me playing with neighborhood white children. So I use to sneak and play with them. Of course I got caught a couple of times and got yelled at an cursed at. With everything going on around me I didn’t really know how to interact with others.So when I went to school no one could understand why I was so anti-social. I didn’t like to interact at all. I was a good student but didn’t know how to interact with others when others tried to interact with me. Although all this was going on my Grandmother always sent me to church where it was all white‘s. Every Sunday she would get me dressed and send me to church. I started out going to a Baptist church which believed it was okay to drink and smoke then went to my first Pentecostal church when I was about 9 years old with my Aunt. I can still remember the color of the carpet, the walls, even the smell of the church. It was as though God was telling me this is the place where I was suppose to be. I can remember going back to the Baptist church and when we had children’s church ask questions to the teacher about smoking and drinking and if God liked it. I would read my bible as a child every night before I would go to bed. At the age of 10 I watched my Grandmother suffer severely from high blood pressure and at times her nose would bleed to the point she had to be taken to the hospital. Even as a child I new who God was and new how to ask him for help. I can remember laying in my bed at night and praying about my Grandmother asking God to heal her. In 1982 I can remember her going into the hospital. Because she was so ill I went and stayed at my mothers.
I didn’t want to though I wanted to stay at the hospital. Because of my Grandmothers illness we stayed with my mom until she got better. My Grandmother went to her house the end of March and went into the hospital the first week of May. On May 21 my mom came home from work early. As she was walking up on the porch she said “I have something to tell you” and I replied “Granny died”. To this day I still do not know how I knew. This was the first of a lot of events which started me on the road I was on, keep in mind she is all I knew. I excelled in school and graduated. Decided to try and build a relationship with my real father who then molested me. Then my best friend died 3 months later. At this point in my life I felt so lonely I questioned God “why me”? I then decided to move 100 miles away and pursue college. My Aunt took me into her home. Being in my Aunt’s house was a big change for me. She was an evangelist/prophetess. You could not hide anything from her nor did she allow anything ungodly in her house. Although her children had a problem with it I never did. Being in her house you had to go to church. So I learned what a Christian was really suppose to be like. I became attached to her I went everywhere with her everyone thought she was my mother. In 1993 she decided to move to Baton Rouge Louisiana. I cried because I felt as though I was being left alone again.
Now within the next 6 months I find out I had a cyst on my ovaries. The doctors want to do surgery and I am angry now. I am mad at the world because I can not figure out why all this is happening to me. Because I had so much hurt on the inside and didn’t know how to deal with it I got involved with drugs. It made the pain go away, we;; at least I thought. I was involved in a relationship which became abusive physically and emotionally. After being in an abusive relationship and almost loosing my life I finally told God “If you get me out of this relationship I will never go back” and he did. I moved into my own place. About 6 months of being in my place in 1996 my Aunt called and told me she was moving back home I was excited. Not aware of what was going to happened. In 1997 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I watched her go through a full mastectomy and constructive surgery, chemotherapy. I watched her go through loosing her hair, the sickness, the pain and on top of it all her six children not being there. I would pray for her when she was in pain. Run errands for her. Whatever she needed I would do and then some. Even through her battle with cancer she kept saying ”God said I should live and not die”. So I believed what she said besides she always spoke the truth. Now here we are in 2000 and my Aunt has been suffering with cancer in the mean time I have become strong in God.
I received a phone call from her on at 11:10 on Friday night after just walking in the door from my second job, she was in pain and couldn’t breathe. So my first reaction was to tell her I would be right over. She told me no just pray with her. After I was done praying I got off the phone with her, God told me to go to her house. She lived approx. 3 minutes away from me. I got to her house I prayed for her I took her temperature it went from 98 degrees to 102 degrees in 15 minutes. I then called her doctor and her doctor told me to take her to hospital. When we get to the hospital I call all of her children and they are all to busy. I had one of her children tell me they would come in the morning. So now I am hurt and angry. Hurt this is going on to my Aunt and angry at her selfish children. One week later she is put on a breathing machine and passes away 4 days later. I was so devastated. I found myself replaying her taking her last breathe with a tear streaming down her face over and over and over. I was numb to the point I couldn’t even shed a tear.
How could I be so numb I couldn’t even shed a tear. Six months prior to her passing God showed me her funeral of course I woke up and rebuked the devil. So now I am driving down the expressway with no destination in mind with tears streaming down my face wonder once again asking “WHY ME”? Then I start playing my life over as if it is a movie and realizing every women I get close to dies and every man abuses me. Now I am in a state of just wanting to be alone. I don’t want a relationship with anyone not even a friendship…just leave me alone. Now remind you I was teaching at my church praying for people but, I was a total wreck. One night God told me to study on forgiveness. Of course I didn’t want to but God knew I needed to be set free.
Part 2 soon to come... what a journey...
Other Journey's
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